What I Have become
by princessOFdarkeness
Summary: Mt frist FMA fic. Ed's tormented after a fight between himself, Al, and Winri and runs away. This is the letter he leaves behind to explain his feelings. OOC


Alright, this is my first Full Metal Alchemist story ever so please review and tell me what you think! Yes, its a bit short and all that jazz but I didn't think this story needed to be long to get the point across that I wanted to. I wanted to show a different side of Edward than the one everyone gets to see, the more sensitive side where he's willing to admit he's made a mistake and tell the people he cares about how much he loves them. Yes, Edward is OOC, just so you know.

**Okay, background information not directly stated below! Read this or you might not fully understand the story: ** Edward Elric had a huge meltdown and lashed out at the two people he cares about – Winri and Al. This is the letter Edward left for them before he skipped town on his own in his sad and depressed state at what he had said to them when he was angry and upset and just couldn't take life anymore. (What he yelled at them is the bold stuff throughout the letter in case you didn't know that already)

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist... sadly. Lol I wish I did though!

By the way, this is an ONESHOT incase you wanted to know! ON WITH THE SHOW!

**What I Have Become**

**By: princessOFdarkness**

"It's my fault, there's no way to run around the truth this time no matter how hard I try, and I can't leave the blame with anyone else this time. Why did I say those things?" Edward whispered to himself, tears falling down his face onto the white envelope he held in his shaking hands. He placed the envelope on the table and walked out of the room, out of the house and out into the street and jumping into the back of a passing truck to hitch a ride. "What have I done to them, the people who actually cared about me? By leaving them I save them the pain of having to go through anymore torment by my hands at least. That's all I hope for."

The letter wasn't found until sometime later when the streetlights were flicking into life. Worried for their friend and brother's sanity, two people came bursting into Edward's empty hotel room in search of him in vain. The only thing they could find was the envelope still sitting on the table for them propped up again the vase of dying flowers.

_To Winri Rockbell and Alphose Elric:_

_I hope you can understand why I left you behind like this by the end of this rather short letter but this was all I had time to write you. If I had the time I'd write you a book filled with nothing but the apologies I owe both of you but I need to get as far away from here as possible for your sake's as well as mine. And I also hope and pray you can find it in your hearts to forgive all I've done to you, both unintentional and by my specific design and intentions. _

_So many heard and unheard voices inside my head pulling me in oh so many different directions, trying to pull me apart and leave me lying battered on the floor to die alone._

"**JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, DAMN IT! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF JUST FINE!"**

_So many strange and familiar people all counting on me, judging me and my actions, cheering me on, trying to bring me down. My life was all one big publicity stunt it seemed, just different faces watching as I performed on different stages with different tricks each time like a show dog being put through it's paces. And then there were those names I'm called that fired up so much hell, just more trouble for me to deal with and dumb onto other people at times when I couldn't handle it anymore. They called me a human weapon, an astoundingly brilliant genius, a terrible menace, a brave and courageous hero, a pitiful dog of the military – in short the Full Metal Alchemist, something I both take pride in and resent with all my being._

"**BECAUSE YOU DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND MY POSITION, ALL YOU DO IS PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT ME WHEN ALL YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME! JUST STOP PRETENDING ALREADY!"**

_I cared about the two of you now reading this letter more than life itself even if I had a funny way of showing it at times. I cared about you, I swear it with all my being… but I couldn't help but wonder. The people I cared about most, I always had one fear I never voiced out loud for fear of seeing it was true – did they ever really care about me? Or were they all just pretending to care and even love me like the family I so wished for... But it wasn't true; you proved it to me every single time we were together… Winri..._

"**SHUT THE HELL UP WINRI, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME AT ALL SO QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU DO! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT ME, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME FOR REAL! YOU'RE SO HEARTLESS YOU BITCH, TOYING WITH ME ALL THESE LONG YEARS WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER! I HATE YOU!"**

_Winri, I'm so sorry but now it's too late. I love you, I always have. You must have known it, you have to have known I loved you – still love you. I wish so many things Winri. I wish I would have told you sooner, I wish I had held your hand in mine for no reason other than just wanting to feel your skin against mine, but most of all I wished I would have had taken one of the many opportunities I had to kiss you like I always dreamed I would one day. But I let those opportunities pass me by without even trying to reach out and grab them. I ruined it just like I ruined everything else and now I've gone and left you all behind in the dust as I search for a place where I can truly belong when all along I knew in my heart I belonged with you forever. It's not safe to have you with me anymore, I have too many enemies on my tail and I don't ever want to give myself the chance to yell at you like that ever again. I love you Winri, even if I didn't make it obvious enough at times. _

"**JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, BOTH OF YOU! I'M TIRED OF LETTING YOU PEOPLE CONTROL MY LIFE FOR ME! IT'S TIME I MADE MY OWN DECISIONS WITHOUT YOU DAMN IT! DON'T TOUCH ME, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME DAMN IT!"**

_What came next was even worse than my performance with Winri, something even more cruel and undeserved to a point of it being down right funny. Next I lashed at the only other person besides Winri that had ever given a shit about my pitiful existence, next came my very own brother Al, my own baby brother I had once truly cared about more than my own life and had been willing to die for if it kept him safe for that much longer. The person who had taken care of me when I had been too weak and stubborn to take care of myself and admit I needed help..._

"**YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING; EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT BECAUSE I'M THE OLDER ONE HUH AL? YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG, YOU'RE JUST SO PERFECT IN YOUR BIG METAL SUIT OF ARMOR! WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING AL, EVEN THOUGH MOM LOVED YOU MORE THAN ME DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE DOES! I HATE YOU SO MUCH SOMETIMES! MOM NEVER EVEN LOVED US, IF SHE DID SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DIED AND LEFT US LIKE THAT!**

_Why did I say those truly terrible and untrue things to you Al, my brother? You didn't deserve that, you never did anything but be so kind to me all my life. None of them were true; I swear it on my unworthy life. But you know that, you know I didn't mean it and that I was just angry. But I should still have never said it to you. I love you my baby brother, even though I know I never acted like I did. I always cared about you Al; I just didn't know how to show it to you. I couldn't afford to show emotion, I had to be tough and unfeeling for both our sakes. I was the older one, I had to take care of you, and I had to be the human weapon..._

"**I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN! I WISH NONE OF THIS HAD EVER HAPPENED! I WISH I'D NEVE MET EITHER OF YOU AS WELL! I WISH I HAD DIED THAT DAY WHEN MY ALCHEMY WENT SO WRONG AND LANDED ME WITH THESE ARTIFICIAL LIMBS! I WISH I WAS DEAD!"**

_It doesn't matter now anyways now that I'm gone. Nothing matters anymore, nothing except the hope that I have that you two reading this can understand why I did what I've done. I screwed up, I made a mistake, and now I have to pay for it even if it means going on without you and going on my own because I love you can care about you too much to let myself hurt you again. Please don't try to come and find me, I don't want to case either of you anymore pain than I already have. Because the truth is, this is what I am now – this is what I've become._

_This is what I have become..._

_Yours forever, _

_Edward Elric _


End file.
